Letter from the Darkness 1
chronic migraine memories
Musty room. Double blackout curtains because one layer is not enough. Everyone be quiet. Stop banging cooking utensils on the pan. In the kitchen a flight of stairs below me. OMG would those crickets please shut up. Why is everything screaming at me.
Sponge baths because the shower screams and is too sharp.
Why did it feel normal that my 25 year old husband is washing my hair for me in my parents’ camp house bathtub. Why does this feel understandable to us. We are so used to suffering.
More people should have been panicking. It didn’t make any sense.
Why was no one like um yeah you’re only 25 you should be healthy!!! WHAT THE FUCK.
No one said that. They said oh wow that’s so sad and I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m praying so hard for you.
I shouldn’t be the only person that’s outraged!
Whenever I showed it, my mom told me be quiet– don’t get upset it’ll make you feel worse. Don’t think like that. You can’t let yourself go there.
Where? Reality. Truth. We aren’t letting ourselves see reality??
This is objectively worth crying over. Apparently not.
Rhubarb pie for my birthday. Decaf PSL. Still had to pick out the best tank top and pj shorts set to wear that day. Everything has to be the best on my birthday.
I just wanted to go shopping. I just wanted to go shopping. I wanted to get my nails done. I wanted to buy pretty clothes. I thought so much about shopping. What I was going to wear when I was free. When I was healthy. When I was painting in my garden with my kids running around. Me in my cropped top and leggings. And a bellybutton ring.
I was going to speak on a stage. That was in a vision.
I had a vision that women were leading churches. I saw it. It was so real.
I also had a vision that I spoke on stage and showed everyone my pierced belly. I don’t remember why though. It was to make a very important point about something.
I kind of felt like God was the big black (or so it seemed in the pitch dark, it could’ve been any color I guess) bookshelf in the corner because I would pray looking over there.
Why is this happening to me. I don’t really remember what I prayed. Or how.
Essential oils. Smell was the only thing I could enjoy. Isn’t that amazing! I was so far gone on pleasure but I was still seeking it while in crazy pain living in darkness hopped up on prednisone. I deserved to have something nice.
Hello, it’s me Eloise. My mom actually hates that movie. And that’s why I love it. Eloise is everything I was not allowed to be. Messy bold loud. Led by her desires. How evil.
But I called down on the walkie talkie every day saying it’s me eloise. And that was allowed. Because you know you can ask for what you want when you are bed bound and dying. That’s a really high price. And that’s how badly I wanted it.
